The Truth About the Latest Generation of Cruise Ships

Matt: Cruise lines work so hard to come up with "The Next Big Thing." I have an idea: Why doesn't one of them design a ship that offers an amazing recreation of Old World leisure? Instead of checking your cell phone while riding the flight simulator on your way to the underwater restaurant, you could just sit in a deck chair and read. Cup of tea, perhaps?

Heidi: Riiiight. Then all you'd need to do is press a button, which would summon the robotic waiter, who'd zip over to your deck chair and pour you a cup of tea from his titanium arm, which doubles as a teapot and a tandoori oven. Yep, there's no question, the good old days are gone.

Matt: [Sigh.] But why is that? I mean, it's not like you see the Four Seasons adding anti-gravity umbrellas to their suites. But then, you don't see Silversea doing that either. Guess it's a mainstream phenomenon.

Heidi: Yeah, Average Joes are just really into gadgets. Why do you think all those infomercials for solar-powered nosehair clippers stay on the air? I'm no Dr. Phil, but I gotta think surfing machines and interactive televisions must be empowering somehow.

Matt: You think it's about empowerment? I dunno. I think it's more like an adult version of Mountain Dew: a giant sugar rush. Though I gotta admit, the cruise lines have come up with some good gimmicks lately: the boxing rings on Royal Caribbean's Freedom-class ships . . . the bungee trampolines on their Enchantment of the Seas . . . the fencing program on Cunard's Queen Victoria . . . the big-screen Nintendo Wii games on NCL . . .

Heidi: Maybe it's as simple as people like to have fun. And new and unexpected things are often (but not always) just plain fun. I was sort of giddy when I first saw the gyroscopic billiards tables on Royal Caribbean's Radiance of the Seas a few years back. And now Celebrity is promising a real grass lawn on its next ship, where you can picnic and play bocce ball.

Matt: And glass-blowing shows. Don't forget about the glass-blowing shows they'll be doing.

Heidi: Riiiight. That's even more bizarre than the bowling alley NCL has on Norwegian Pearl and Gem. Who knows, big swells might even improve the score for some of us!

Matt: I love those bowling alleys. I even won a trophy last time I was aboard.

Heidi: That's only 'cause you were on a good team.

Matt: Doh! Busted. In any case, it all reminds me of that 1970s disaster-movie spoof The Big Bus, about the world's first nuclear-powered bus -- with onboard swimming pool and bowling alley, no less. Sound familiar?

Heidi: Jeez, who knew those B-movies were so prophetic? And speaking of movies, seems like every ship these days has a giant movie screen out on deck -- sounds like a great idea, but I think when they're sitting smack dab in the middle of the pool area they're actually kinda obnoxious. Blasting videos, movies, concerts, and ship events all day long. . . . Whatever happened to the sounds of splashing water and steel bands by the pool? I'll tell ya, dinosaursville, that's what.

Matt: Listen to us. We sound like Mr. and Mrs. Curmudgeon from Hell.

Heidi: Truth hurts, truth hurts.

Matt: But I gotta say, when I was on Crown Princess I really dug watching King Kong on the big screen at night, with popcorn and a beer. That ship's also got that great "Sanctuary" outdoor lounge: adults-only, shaded, and full of big lounge chairs and foliage, and you can even get a massage.

Heidi: That's the kind of space I need, now that I mostly cruise with my twin sons -- though they pretty much live in the playroom whenever we take a cruise. For them, the more gizmos and gimcracks, the better: padded ball pits, cozy movie-watching corners, lots of toys, video games, outdoor areas with wading pool and water slides. And then there are the cool "spray grounds" on Royal Caribbean's Freedom ships and Carnival's Imagination and Inspiration. These top-deck water parks really are every kid's dream. When you're on vacation, what makes your kids happy makes you happy.

Matt: How selfless of you. So OK, if you were to suggest something for your ideal cruise ship playroom, what would it be? I mean, something nobody's offering yet.

Heidi: Uh, petting zoo? Go carts? A trampoline? (And if you cruise line execs are reading this, I want royalties.)

Matt: How about a carousel too? One of those great old ones with the carved wooden horses, 2,000 lightbulbs, and a Wurlitzer organ for music.

Heidi: Suuuure, could put it right where the casinos usually go. I could care less if I ever stepped into a casino again. There's something depressing about people flopped on stools and staring at the slots like zombies.

Matt: Wait till you see NCL's new Gem. They put a blackjack table right out on the pool deck, under one of the side overhangs.

Heidi: "What happens on NCL stays on NCL?" I tell ya, Sodom and Gomorrah.

Matt: Maybe cruise ships are innovating themselves into seven-deadly-sins territory. They've already got sloth covered, and lust (all those dancing girls in the shows), and greed at the casinos, and envy over the folks who can afford the big suites. The ship names are definitely prideful -- Carnival Glory, Grand Princess, Legend of the Seas. . . . And then, of course, we have gluttony.

Heidi: What are you saying, that people eat a lot on ships? ;-)

Matt: Maybe some people. Not me of course. I'll just have a little salad . . .

Heidi: Well if I was in charge, all I'd offer on my ship would be Indian and Japanese restaurants. Oh, and lots of great French cheese. And really good Italian, not that fake Olive Garden stuff.

Matt: How about a Brazilian-style churrasco steakhouse, where waiters bring cuts of slow-roasted meats one after another until you tell them to stop? Nobody's doing that yet. Or an Ethiopian restaurant, where you eat with your fingers, scooping up everything with handfuls of injera bread? That'd save the ships a lot of dishwashing time.

Heidi: But it'd be hell on their napkin consumption, no? Anyway, one recent idea I really like is the meals Silversea's come up with for their Saletta and Le Champagne restaurants. They start diners off with a wine menu that focuses on the wines of a particular region -- France, Italy, northern California, South Africa, Australia, etc. -- then the sommelier suggests dishes that will bring out the best in those wines.

Matt: And thus we come, once again, to the one thing we always agree on: booze is good. Good night, and good luck.

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