Do anything long enough, and you're bound to get a little jaded. Take me: I've been writing about cruise ships for eleven years, and have sailed on so many of them that I'm rarely surprised anymore -- but I am frequently disappointed. I've watched ships get bigger and bigger, and (to my mind) less cozy and personal. I've watched them go from being mostly all-inclusive (except for drinks, excursions, and spa treatments) to being littered with extra-cost restaurants, ice-cream shops, and coffee bars. I've watched the industry consolidate more and more, forcing out budget competitors and settling into a "mid-market upscale" aesthetic: Pottery Barn meets Starbucks on the high seas.
But then, something happens to make you reevaluate, to step back and realize you've had it pretty good all this time.
For me, that something was Las Vegas.
I'd been there before, but only as a transient, overnighting between flights and lacking the time to really get into the Vegas zeitgeist. This time, though, I had four days on the ground, with nothing to distract me except the inherent distractions Vegas throws up as its raison d'etre.
And what did I realize during those days and nights walking the Strip, trawling the casinos, and crowd-surfing through a typical Vegas weekend? I realized that cruise ships are waaaaay better than Sin City -- and here's why.
1. You can get off a cruise ship.
The tourist sections of Vegas are designed to suck you in and disorient you so much that you lose all track of time, all sense of proportion, all self-restraint, and all good sense. Seven dollars for a bottle of domestic beer? Sure, that sounds good. ATMs that only spit out hundreds? Makes sense to me. Vaulted ceilings painted in trompe l'oeil clouds, with lighting that makes it seem perpetually 5pm? Yeah, no bedtime. Bring on the nightlife, baby. Limits are for suckers. Sammy Davis, Jr. said it best: "It must be something in the air. You see these people get off the plane -- nice, normal, heimischer people -- and it's like, instant swinger. Â?Yeah, Daddy, yeah. Gimme that money I told you not to gimme there.'"
And the thing is, there's no way out. You could retreat to your hotel room, but Vegas would still be out there, waiting for you. You could take a taxi to the non-touristy parts of town, but what's the fun of walking around housing developments? OK, yes, you can take a bus or helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon, or rent a car and go to Red Rock Canyon and its miles of Mojave Desert hiking, but all in all your portfolio of options isn't too hefty.
2. On a cruise, you can go to the real Venice, Paris, New York, Rome, or Egypt, not facsimiles thereof.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but that's because Vegas doesn't go anywhere. The idea, as it's developed, is to offer visitors a one-stop experience of "The World's Treasures": the Canals of Venice at the Venetian, winding through ... a mall. The Eiffel Tower at Paris Las Vegas and the Statue of Liberty at New York, New York, shooting up right above ... malls. Recreations of the Trevi Fountain and other marvels at Caesar's Palace, all fronting ... malls. And the great black pyramid of the Luxor, its giant dollar-bill eye gazing out over the Strip, like God's own ka-ching machine. Morning, noon, and night, you see thousands of tourists snapping pictures as if these are the real things, and though they're sometimes pretty impressive -- I mean, who can't be amazed by the sheer scale the casino owners have manages to pull off -- they're still fake, a pretty, international facade slapped up over the same mall stores you find everywhere else in America, though here the prices are higher.
Say what you will about cruise ships offering mostly the tourist highlights of a country, but the fact is, the ships really do go there. And once there, their passengers are free to explore any way they want, as long as they're back before sailing time. Want to get lost among the back alleys of Venice, far from the tourist throng of St. Mark's? They're just a walk away. Want to skip Times Square in New York and visit historic areas of Brooklyn instead? All you need's a subway token and a dream.
They say travel broadens the mind, but only if you're traveling to someplace real. Vegas might actually do the opposite.
3. No matter how many passengers a ship carries, it's still less crowded than the Strip.
At night (which, let's face it, is the only time that really matters here), Vegas is wall-to-wall tourist humanity, sloshing from one end of the Strip to the other, looking for the Next Big Thing. Crowds of hundreds wait to cross from one side of the avenue to another, then follow the curlicue sidewalks that sometimes divert a hundred yards inland, just so you have to walk by the shops there. Thousands wait along the railing at the Bellagio's lake-size fountains, which dance to music every 15 minutes. Up above the skyline at New York, New York, a roller coaster loops and whirls ... just like, uh, the real thing.Now ships ... OK, some are big. Really big. Royal Caribbean's Freedom, Liberty, and Independence of the Seas? Very big: 3,600 passengers aboard, plus 1,300 more crew. But even they rarely become super-crowded. The reason? Schedules, maybe: People know when and where activities are happening, and there are enough of them, programmed to different tastes, that it's rare for any one of them to go standing-room-only. Even on the biggest ships, you can always find a cozy, quiet corner somewhere on board, day or evening.
4. No touts for "Hot Girls, Direct to You in 20 Minutes!"
Prostitution is technically illegal in Las Vegas (one of the few places in Nevada where that's so), but you'd never know it from the thousands of fliers, pamphlets, and business cards advertising the unnamed services of "escorts" and "personal entertainers." They're everywhere: In bins along the sidewalk, pinned to signposts, on billboard trucks, and handed out personally by men, women, and even a few grandmothers from one end of the Strip to the other. Remember about ten years ago when Vegas was trying to promote itself as a family-friendly destination? Har-de-har-har. Yet people still bring their kids. Go figure.5. No matter how commercial modern megaships feel, they're still less commercial than Vegas.
It's all about the money, folks, whether on land or sea: With the possible exception of a few B&B owners who run their places out of love, the travel industry is a commercial enterprise and we shouldn't expect it not to be -- though we can decide where to draw the line. In Vegas, though, the line has been erased, and commercialism is actually the point: You're going on vacation to spend money, not spending money to go on vacation.
Over the past decade, ships have become a lot more commercial. Where once there were one or two shops selling necessities, logo-wear, and duty-free booze, now there are five or six selling "luxury goods." But you can avoid them, if you want. Just stay off that deck. And in port, make a beeline past the souvenir shops and explore the destination's history, nature, and culture. Bring back a seashell as a souvenir, and hold it up to your ear sometimes to remember.
6. Food is still free on ships, for the most part.
On a ship: four- or five-course dinners included in the price. In Vegas: a bill in the hundreds for the same meal.On a ship: free room service. In Vegas: $49 for a 12-inch pizza, a club sandwich, and one bottle of domestic beer.
On a ship: a free buffet. In Vegas: $32 for two small salads and two iced teas.
'Nuff said.
7. Shows are free too, and you can usually get in.
OK, so you don't get Don Rickles on a ship, nor (since Celebrity's deal with them went south) do you get Cirque de Soleil, but aside from oddities like the performances of Tony Â?n Tina's Wedding aboard NCL's Hawaii-based ships -- tickets for which cost $25 per person -- cruise lines don't charge for entertainment. Vegas charges, big time, with tickets for headliner shows going for $60 to $110 and more per person. Tickets for production shows like Cirque or the Blue Man Group typically cost about $80 -- and of course you can drop hundreds more later at the on-site Blue Man Store, Cirque de Soleil Store, or Bette Midler Store. No kidding: There's a Bette Midler store.8. Cruise ships are rarely under construction while you're aboard.
Like most major cities these days, Las Vegas is perpetually under construction, and never more so than right now, with the new $8 billion City Center Las Vegas (www.citycenter.com) development going up on 76 Strip-front acres between the Bellagio and the Monte Carlo. Ever wanted to live full-time on the Strip? Now's your chance. All you need is a few mil and a dream. In the meantime, though, it means street-level construction and cranes in the air.
Ships, on the other hand, subscribe more to the "Elves do it in the middle of the night while you're asleep" philosophy. When major reconstruction is called for (for instance, building a new restaurant or theater), it's almost always accomplished during the ship's annual dry-dock period, when mechanical and cosmetic issues are dealt with -- from patching the year's wear and tear, replacing worn carpets, and swapping out mattresses to completely rebuilding a pool deck.
9. Ships are less smoky.
Cruise lines vary in their smoking regulations, but all prohibit smoking in restaurants and most also giving the thumbs down in theaters, corridors, elevators, and many other public areas, and sometimes cabins too. In Vegas, smoking is prohibited in restaurants too, but the ubiquitous casinos seem as clouded over as they were in the 1950s, when all the cool kids smoked.10. Vegas doesn't rock you to sleep at night.
It's the end of a long vacation day. You make it back to your room and change into your pajamas. In Vegas, you pull your blackout shades tight and hope the windows are thick enough to keep out the Strip traffic and special effects. On a ship, you settle into bed and feel the deep thrum of the engines, many decks below you. It's Magic Fingers. It's a mother's heartbeat. Outside is the ocean, gently rocking you to sleep, and the wind adding white noise to dream by. Worst case, you need some Dramamine if the rocking gets too much, but I know where I'd rather be, and I'll never make fun of ships again.That is, until next week.
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